While everyone across the world is spending their money on flowers, candy and whatever-else-people buy on Valentines Day, we must remember that this holiday is patently un-American, and against everything that we should stand for. That’s why I don’t take part in this oppressive ritual. All it does is spread resentment and divide us as a nation.
Yeah, I said it–Valentines Day is all about hate.
When people shower their respective loves with gifts and pretty cards, trying to convince their significant others that their relationships matter, these proclamations leave out the people who don’t have anyone they can go home and do the horizontal bone dance with. What about those of us who are forced to eat dinners by ourselves and masturbate with nothing but our lonely tears every February 14th? Why do you hate us? Shouldn’t our feelings matter? Every time you tell someone you love them, what you are really saying is that you hate everyone else. That’s just logic. But I’m tired of you antagonizing us with your so-called movement.
Don’t think we single people don’t see you people spreading your hateful message everywhere. We watch you marching down the aisles at supermarkets, holding your disrespectful Valentines Day greeting cards with secret, prejudiced messages that exclude the rest of us. Why must he or she be your Valentine? Why can’t we just be Valentines for all people, huh? I’ll tell you why:
Plus, we need to address the elephant in the room: What about the couple-on-couple crimes? How can you talk about love and romance when you won’t address the fact that 99% of all breakups happen between two people who were once in love? When will you address those facts? Every time I turn on my TV or read the newspaper I see stories about divorces, separations and relationships falling apart. Your so-called “love” is responsible for all the pain in the world. Whenever I see a beautiful woman crying it is almost always because of relationship problems. In fact, you can’t have a broken heart if you’ve never been in love. That’s just facts. A wise man once said, “It’s better to have loved and lost than never to have loved at all.”
What most people know is a few months later, that same man said “I wish that motherfucker was never born! I hate her! I hate her! I hate her!”
That’s why this holiday is wrong. Celebrating romance leads to sex, which causes pregnancy (or so I’ve heard) which causes single-parent families, which destroys the education system, which leads to poverty, which leads to welfare, which leads to this country going broke. Yet I never see anyone marching through the streets, holding hands trying to fix these problems. You people must face the facts, but you refuse to look at yourselves.
I know why, though.
Because you hate single people. That’s the only answer.
These troublesome relationships that Valentines Day applauds, cause all of the problems in the world. Here is a short list of some of the world’s biggest assholes and their relationship status:
Adolph Hitler He had a girlfriend named Eva Braun for whom he bought presents all the time. Every Valentines Day he’d buy her a box of chocolates (white chocolate of course). We all know how that turned out
Kanye West When he was single, allowing Amber Rose to put finger his bootyhole he made some of the best music of his career. Then he lost his damn mind and turned into Darth Fuckboy. Think about when it started happening–as soon as he married Kim Kardashian. I’m not saying… I’m just saying.
Donald Trump The Velveeta hairpiece is one of the biggest assholes on the planet. Some people say he is three times douchier than anyone else on the planet. How many times has he been married? Coincidence? I think not.
There are others: Taylor Swift, Donald Sterling, David Duke, Joffrey from Game of Thrones, Omarosa, Lena Dunham, the man who invented that little piece that sticks out from the bedframe that you always bang your shin on… They all have one thing in common: They celebrate Valentines Day.
And why are you people so violent? I watch the show Snapped, and every episode is about two people who claimed to be in love, who are now on the Oxygen network with creepy music behind them, trying to convince the police their spouse was murdered by a break in, or that they were in an abusive relationship and had to shoot their husband 182 times in the back because they feared for their life. It’s because you glorify violence. You actually think it’s cool to honor Cupid, a baby that walks around with a dangerous weapon shooting unsuspecting people in the heart! No wonder your kind is so filled with hate.
You must realize that every time you say “Happy Valentines Day” we know what you mean. You mean “I hate everyone who is not my Valentine.” You mean “anyone who I didn’t buy flowers for should die in a tragic sewage accident.” You mean “fuck single people.” I am tired of you people going on TV trying to make us look bad by spreading your hateful message. I’ve heard you say that just because you tell someone they mean a lot to you doesn’t mean you don’t care about anything else, but I don’t believe you. I can see through your divisive shenanigans that separate everyone into two categories–the people who you love, and the people who you despise. You celebrate an evil, venomous, terrorist holiday, and I will not rest until the entire world knows about your prejudice and joins hand-in-hand to say to you:
All relationships matter.